In a few days

...it will be time to try for the baby. We have the AI kit and everything we need to know about what to do. (Although I think we can pretty much figure that out ourselves. lol) It's sad that I can't share this blog with anyone I know yet. I'm still concerned with some of the negative thoughts that would be thrown our way and honestly, I really don't care to have it. Oh well, I can't worry about what anyone else will say because we all have issues. Everyone should just stop judging each other and live in peace and harmony. Life could be so much easier if people would just try a little harder. So anyway, I started yesterday, so about 13 more days... Of course you never know what can happen in 13 days and I may end up wanting to wait longer. I guess we'll have to wait and see. I do have some of the paperwork ready. I'm not going to be stupid about this!

Next?

Well, I think that over the weekend my aunt convinced me that this baby would be a great thing. She doesn't see a problem with it. She agrees that it's the same as adopting. I wish I felt as carefree as she does. Of course she's not the one having to carry it, give birth to it and worry about it for the rest of it's life. lol What if this turns out to be my demon child? My boys are awesome and always have been. They have been an absolute joy from day one. But you can't get lucky every time, right?!

So I told father-to-be that I'm pretty sure I want to do this. I keep telling myself that my other two weren't born under perfect circumstances and I wouldn't trade it for the world and that this will turn out the same way. The only thing that worries me is that father-to-be may have more feelings for me than I do for him. I'm not sure friendship will be enough in the future. Although I'm sure it would never get to an out of control level. He's not that way. I just don't want anyone to get hurt. And I would never want to hurt him.

So now I have to wait until the end of the month. I guess if I decide I'm doing it, this month will be the month. That would make the due date the end of June. Of course depending on the size, it could be earlier. I'm NOT having another huge baby! I'm all for inducing two weeks early if need be! If not, we're waiting a few months. I'm NOT about having a baby in the middle of the summer. Too hot! If we can't get pregnant this month I think we'll try again aiming for October or November. I guess we'll see what happens.

Ahh, it's "Labor Day"

How nice, eh? And it would seem that on this Labor Day, that I am ovulating. I actually noticed it last night, but for some reason I'm too scared to tell the "would be" father. I'm just not sure about this. I mean I'm sure I want another baby and I'm sure that having one with him would be great and safe and wonderful and blah blah blah. But I'm having anxiety issues and I'm not sure if it's the weather change, my upcoming teaching gig or the baby thing. My anxiety goes haywire anytime there's any change. Weather changes are a big one. Summer is looking to be over around here and fall has made an entrance, so is that the cause of my anxiety or is it the changing season? OR perhaps it's my shoulder that has been hurting for months? I'm trying to decided if I've pulled something or if it's really not my shoulder but my gallbladder instead. Or maybe it's because I'm teaching a class of 4th graders starting this Thursday and I'm teaching a subject I have absolutely no experience in/with and I have yet to crack open any sort of book or look over any sort of materials to help me out. Yikes, all this craziness and I'm not even pregnant. Gotta love hormones. I can't even imagine the party they would be throwing if I was preggo... I might end up in a medical book somewhere. Sometimes I think I'm on the brink of peri-menopause, or maybe I'm already there? (Another reason to start thinking about the "baby" thing!!)

So here's the deal. The "father to be" is so great. He's talked to me about almost everything that would need to be talked about to make this whole situation work. (Remember, we've been talking about this since February.) He's a very positive person to begin with. Always looking at the good in everything instead of the negative. He's gentle and strong and has this way of making me laugh that I just love. So why aren't I in love with him you ask? Is he hideous looking? No, he's not hideous looking, he's a very normal looking person. (although between you and me, I thought he looked like a serial killer the first time I met him and my best friend says he looks like a child molestor - He doesn't and that's just gross to say anyway!) He's a little rough looking, I'll admit that, but if you knew his heart, you'd know he's nothing like that. I asked him the other day if he thought he would cry in the delivery room, he said he knows without a doubt he would/will. I know he would. He's almost 40 and this is something he's waited for all his life. His friends say he's the "family man without the family". He doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, has never done drugs, is a momma's boy - and that's a good thing because I see the way he treats his mom (he treats her like a queen), and I know what a good person he is. Family has always been first to him. Why else would he sit through a 3 hour dance recital for his neice? He's financially more than secure and would make sure that I was also. I know I would have everything I'd ever need/want during and after this pregnancy. I don't have health insurance and yet he's willing to pay for whatever is necessary to make this happen. I wouldn't be willing to have either of us go in debt. If we couldn't afford to have a baby, we wouldn't even be thinking about it.

Which leads me to another topic. Just HOW ARE we going to do this? Well the old fashioned way of course... artificial insemination. (I know, I'm boring! lol) I'm trying to be a good Christian and I believe that sex before marriage is a sin. (Yes, I've done my share of sinning but it's never to late to start on the straight and narrow and keep on it, right?!) I'm sure I have some of you shaking your heads and saying "And having a baby with someone you're not married to isn't a sin?" Well, actually there's nothing in the Bible that says it is. (Trust me, I've looked!) And like I've said, this hasn't been an easy decision. I've prayed alot about this. I know this is unconventional and to be honest, I think the only people who would have a problem with this is some of the "christians" I know. And that's sad! I'm sure my parents aren't going to be thrilled and they would rather see me married and having a baby, but I'm not the marrying kind (at least not at this point). I'm sure that in the future I will be, but right now, I'm not. I'm not going to rush into anything. Will I end up marrying the "father to be" probably, most likely, maybe. But in all honesty, if it's not him, I don't know if it will happen. He's just like me in that sense, he's not willing to get married unless it's right either. He's never been married either. He says he's never met a woman that he'd want to spend the rest of his life with. Well, until me. lol He would have had us married 5 years ago if he had anything to do with it. He has the patience of a saint.

So yes, artificial insemination... and as crazy and maybe even weird as it sounds, we're going with the at-home kit. LOL You know the ones that lesbians use, only withOUT the turkey baster! Eww! Seriously, there are at-home kits you can buy. I mean how hard can it be, I know what needs to go where. We looked into the whole "clinical" way, but MY GOSH it was going to be more expensive than the pregnancy and delivery cost itself. Plus they really screw you by adding tons of extra fees. For example, they would have to have his spp... sppeer... sperm (you'll find that I HATE that word!!) on file for 6 months before we could do anything with it. In the meantime, there's the fee for just giving a sample of the "stuff" and then an added fee for keeping the "stuff" on file each month. THEN by the time you can actually get the "stuff" and have the doctor put it "you know where", you've spent anywhere from $10,000 to $20,000. Ya, no thanks, I'll buy the kit online for $30 and do it myself.
I truly feel sorry for people with infertility problems, the doctors are making a fortune on their misfortune and it's sick!! They know that these poor people are desperate to have a child and will do so at any cost and they grossly take advantage of that. It's horrible and it's sick!

Which leads me to another topic (are you tired yet?)... If I was wanting another child and decided to adopt or become a foster parent, I would be looked upon as a saint. But because I'm going to have my own child, and we're not married, (and not committing any sins, that I'm aware of) we'll/ I will be looked down on. It will never be accepted in some circles and yet in these same circles, if I was adopting a child who clearly wouldn't have a father, that would be ok. This child however will have a father who will be very much a part of his or her life. But, because we're not married it's not ok. Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news here but there are TONS of divorced parents in this world (and in churches TOO!!) and in many of the cases the it's the children who are put in the middle and used as objects during the whole thing. The parents end up hating each other and WOW, you got one great happy family unit. Father-to-be and I have been friends for a very long time and we both understand that our friendship is more important to us than a love affair gone bad. We would never jepardize that. I guess my point is, I'd rather have a baby with someone who I'm friends with than with someone I "think" I'm in love with for the time being.

Another point I'd like to make is this... some people are going to say that we're being selfish (although they'll never know how much thought has gone into this)... Well, here's my take on being selfish... I feel I'm actually being unselfish. I know I want another child. I could adopt, but then that would be taking a child away from someone who actually can't have a child. Let's think about that for a minute.


I'm rambling (if you haven't noticed) because I'm nervous. And some may say I should take that as a sign that I'm not suppose to do this, but seriously... some of the greatest things I've ever done in my life have started out with huge amounts of anxiety and fear. The thing that sucks is that I'm not nervous or anxious about the whole preganancy, delivery, having a child, etc... I'm nervous about what people are going to say. Isn't that stupid?! I mean my true friends will continue to be my friends through this and the ones who aren't, well, I guess I didn't need them anyway, now did I?! As for the self righteous judgemental hypocrites, well, they don't have much to do with my life now so why should I let them bother me? It's just sad because I don't ever want this to effect anyone in my family in a negative way. Especially my parents.

I think people miss out on a lot of wonderful things in life because:
1. They are so worried about what other people may think.
2. They are too scared to take a chance.

I don't want to let either of those things keep me from bringing another child into my life. Especially since he or she is so very wanted!

Decisions Decisions

So, I'm a single 33.5 yr old who has two boys ages (almost) 10 and (almost) 13. The baby years are definitely gone around here and I'm starting to miss them. I miss it all... the morning sickness, the whole labor/delivery/hospital stay, the early days with a newborn, the trying times of the toddlers years, pre-school, getting their first tooth, loosing their first tooth, believing in Santa, cuddling in bed each morning, sippy cups, diaper bags, cute baby clothes, sleepless nights, diaper rash, first noises, first smiles, first words, I miss it all so much. The fact is, I'm running out of time. The other fact is, I'm not even close to being in a serious relationship nor do I really want one. So what's a girl to do? Well, in my case, she could have a great male friend who also wants a baby just as bad. Said friend is reaching his 40's, and feels like he's running out of time. So here we have two people who are normal, loving, responsible, financially set, upstanding citizens who both want the same thing. Unconventional? Yes. Possible? I think so! We've talked about it for 8 months, I've prayed about it, read the Bible, asked my parents, family and friends their opinions, and I've come to the conclusion that everything in life is a risk and sometimes you can't worry about what everyone else will think or say. All I know is that any child who would have us for parents would be the most loved child in the world.

Our journey starts this month...